Flying the Friendly Skies
Young Pilot
A young pilot for Philippine Airlines wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. On his first nighttime approach to an airfield, instead of making any official requests to the tower, he asked, "Guess who?"
In response, the controller quickly switched the field lights off and asked the responding question, "Guess where?"
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Landing Strip
I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow covered area. The pilot descended to just a dozen feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm.
"I wonder why he didn't land," I said. "He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said.
As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented. "No," the man said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time."
"How can you tell?" I asked.
"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow, and I've been in Hawaii for two weeks."
The Smartest Man in the World
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace".
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said "Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack."
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I Didn't Fix 'Em, I Rectum
Rectum Stretcher
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding a little…
As he was crossing a bridge, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge.
Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going boy?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"
"67 mph, boy! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"If you already knew" replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"
The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I've got a very good job!"
The cop leaned in the window, sniffing the air, and said, "What kind of a job would a smelly bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?" Bob explained, "When someone needs to be stretched, I'm the one who does it. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then both hands. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until the rectum is a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with this bizarre image in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"
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Rectum Deodorant
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little amused, explains to the woman that they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," the blonde protests.
"Do you have the container it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"YES!" says the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who examines it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads aloud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom!"
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Voodoo Dick
There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone (I guess she didn't like reading email jokes), because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except… " said the old man, and then he stopped.
"Except what?" asked the businessman.
"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
The businessman said, "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
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Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. In fact, she spent all of her free time on her computer, reading email jokes. She was afraid she might have something physically or mentally wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her regular doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist. After she looked him up in the phone book, which wasn't an easy task considering how many doctors had the same last name, she called and made an appointment. The next day, she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "Okay, take off all you crose." Feeling somewhat embarrassed, the woman took off all her clothes and stacked them neatly on the counter.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." The woman got down on all fours and crawled to the other side of the room really fast. Needless to say, her knees and hands didn't feel too good after she crawled on the bare tile.
Dr. Chang then said, "Okay, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." The woman crawled back to Dr. Chang. By this time, her knees really hurt.
Dr. Chang studied his patient for a few minutes and then shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Feeling extremely worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what the heck is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in straight in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
Filed Under Policemen, Firemen, Doctors and Lawyers | Leave a Comment
Food Misconceptions
Coffee
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."
(For those of you who do nothing but read email jokes, are too young to remember, or whatever, this is play on an old Folgers coffee advertisement that ended with "The best part of waking up, is Folgers in your cup.")
Lunch Friends
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day, they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered they both brought chicken sandwiches every day.
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Because I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches. I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!"
Filed Under Food and Drink | Leave a Comment
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