Young Pilot

A young pilot for Philippine Airlines wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. On his first nighttime approach to an airfield, instead of making any official requests to the tower, he asked, "Guess who?"

In response, the controller quickly switched the field lights off and asked the responding question, "Guess where?"

* * *
Are you sure you want to read more dumb email jokes?
* * *

Landing Strip

I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow covered area. The pilot descended to just a dozen feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm.

"I wonder why he didn't land," I said. "He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said.

As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented. "No," the man said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time."

"How can you tell?" I asked.

"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow, and I've been in Hawaii for two weeks."

The Smartest Man in the World

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace".

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said "Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack."

Rectum Stretcher

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding a little…

As he was crossing a bridge, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge.

Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going boy?"

Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"

"67 mph, boy! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.

"If you already knew" replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"

The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob answered, "I've got a job! I've got a very good job!"

The cop leaned in the window, sniffing the air, and said, "What kind of a job would a smelly bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.

"What you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.

"I'm a rectum stretcher!"

The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?" Bob explained, "When someone needs to be stretched, I'm the one who does it. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then both hands. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until the rectum is a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with this bizarre image in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"

Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"

* * *
Are you sure you want to read more dumb email jokes?
* * *

Rectum Deodorant

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little amused, explains to the woman that they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," the blonde protests.

"Do you have the container it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"YES!" says the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who examines it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads aloud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom!"

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone (I guess she didn't like reading email jokes), because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except… " said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. In fact, she spent all of her free time on her computer, reading email jokes. She was afraid she might have something physically or mentally wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her regular doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist. After she looked him up in the phone book, which wasn't an easy task considering how many doctors had the same last name, she called and made an appointment. The next day, she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "Okay, take off all you crose." Feeling somewhat embarrassed, the woman took off all her clothes and stacked them neatly on the counter.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." The woman got down on all fours and crawled to the other side of the room really fast. Needless to say, her knees and hands didn't feel too good after she crawled on the bare tile.

Dr. Chang then said, "Okay, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." The woman crawled back to Dr. Chang. By this time, her knees really hurt.

Dr. Chang studied his patient for a few minutes and then shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Feeling extremely worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what the heck is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in straight in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

Coffee

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."

(For those of you who do nothing but read email jokes, are too young to remember, or whatever, this is play on an old Folgers coffee advertisement that ended with "The best part of waking up, is Folgers in your cup.")

Lunch Friends

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day, they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered they both brought chicken sandwiches every day.

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Because I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches. I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!"

My name is Frank and recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, mostly because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Besides, this was better than going home and reading email jokes until I passed out.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement..
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Fuck those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Frank. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a fucking grenade in my mouth, pull the fucking pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my fucking mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Fuck it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the fucking four inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Frank passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.

A Modern Fairy Tale

One day, a young girl is walking through a park when she hears a faint "help me, help me."

She looks around and follows the quiet voice to a bush near the path. Looking under the bush she spies a little green frog trapped under a log. The girl moves the log and picks up the frog. "Oh, thank you, thank you," says the frog. "Take me home and put me on your pillow and in the morning I'll be a handsome Prince."

So the girl takes the frog home and puts him on the pillow and there in the morning is a handsome prince. You don't believe that? Neither did her mother!

The Frog Loan

A frog goes into a bank and hops up to the loan officer. The frog says, "Hi, what's your name?" The loan officer replies, "My name's John Paddywack. Can I help you?"

The frog says, "Yeah, I'd like to borrow some money." The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. He says, "Okay, what's your name?"

The frog says, "Kermit Jagger." The loan officer says, "Really? Any relation to Mick Jagger?"

The frog says, "Yeah, he's my dad." The loan officer says, "Okay, do you have any collateral?"

The frog hands the loan officer a pink ceramic elephant and says, "Will this do?" The loan officer says, "I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager." The frog says, "Tell him I said hi. He knows me."

The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, "Excuse me, but there's this frog out here named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant. I'm not even sure what it is."

The bank manager looks up from reading email jokes and says, "It's a knick-knack Paddywack, give the frog a loan, his old man is a rolling stone."

The Frog Prince

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped onto her lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought, "I really don't think so."

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been together for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one thing bothering me… it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally went bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was anywhere near me, and I'd always get more than a pleasant view. She would also regularly bend over when I was on the computer reading email jokes, and I'd always get an eye full in my peripheral vision.

One day, my "little sister" called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she just couldn't overcome. She told me she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her older sister. Well, I was in total disbelief and couldn't say a word in response. She said "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come on up."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her going up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight toward my car in the driveway.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing out there, and they were all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my prospective father in-law hugged me and said "We're very happy that you passed our little test… we couldn't ask for a better husband for our daughter. Welcome to our family."

And the moral of this story is…

Always keep your condoms in your car.

A homeless wino passes out in the street next to a gay bar. That night, one of the bar's patrons leaves the bar and sees the homeless wino asleep on the street. He rolls the homeless wino over, has his way with him and slips a $10 bill in his pocket.

In the morning, the homeless wino wakes up, finds the $10 bill, and heads for the local liquor store. He goes inside and tells the clerk "Give me $10 worth of your cheapest wine." The clerk hands him a bottle and the homeless wino leaves to resume his position on the street.

Later that night, the same man as before leaves the gay bar and finds the homeless wino passed out on the street again. He rolls the homeless wino over, has his way with him again and slips another $10 bill in his pocket.

In the morning, the homeless wino wakes up, finds the $10 bill, and heads for the local liquor store. He goes inside and tells the clerk, "Give me $10 worth of your cheapest wine." The clerk hands him a bottle and the homeless wino leaves to resume his position on the street once more.

Later that night, the same man as before and three of his friends leave the gay bar. They see the homeless wino and decide to share. They take turns rolling the homeless wino over and having their way with him. Each of them leaves a $10 bill in the homeless wino's pocket. In the morning, the homeless wino wakes up and sees the four $10 bills and heads to the liquor store.

The clerk looks up from his laptop computer where he was reading some email jokes and says "Let me guess, $40 of our cheapest wine?" "Heck no," said the homeless wino, "give me some whiskey! That wine is tearing my ass up!"

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their secret meetings, she confided in him that she was three months pregnant. After his initial anger subsided, he told her his plan.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would give her a large amount of money if she would go to Italy and secretly have the child. If she remained in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned eighteen, or if female, until she was married.

She hesitated, but agreed, and asked "How will you know when the baby was born?" To keep it as discrete as possible, and because his wife shared his email account, he told her to simply send him some email jokes with the word "Spaghetti" as the title of one of them. Nothing had to be included in the body of the message.

As soon as he received the message, he would arrange for child support payments to begin. One day, about six months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey, you received a very strange joke in your email today," she said, "and I have no idea what the punch line is supposed to be, if there even is one."

"Oh, okay, let me take a look," he said. The wife backed away from the computer, and was looking over his shoulder. She was dumbfounded as she watched her husband read the email joke, turn white and faint, falling backwards in his chair.

The title of the email joke was "Spaghetti", as you'd expect, but the body of the message wasn't empty as he had instructed. It said "Spaghetti, Spaghetti and Spaghetti. Two plates have meat balls and one does not."