The Chili Contest
My name is Frank and recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, mostly because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Besides, this was better than going home and reading email jokes until I passed out.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement..
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Fuck those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Frank. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a fucking grenade in my mouth, pull the fucking pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my fucking mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Fuck it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the fucking four inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Frank passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
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Silly Frog Stories
A Modern Fairy Tale
One day, a young girl is walking through a park when she hears a faint "help me, help me."
She looks around and follows the quiet voice to a bush near the path. Looking under the bush she spies a little green frog trapped under a log. The girl moves the log and picks up the frog. "Oh, thank you, thank you," says the frog. "Take me home and put me on your pillow and in the morning I'll be a handsome Prince."
So the girl takes the frog home and puts him on the pillow and there in the morning is a handsome prince. You don't believe that? Neither did her mother!
The Frog Loan
A frog goes into a bank and hops up to the loan officer. The frog says, "Hi, what's your name?" The loan officer replies, "My name's John Paddywack. Can I help you?"
The frog says, "Yeah, I'd like to borrow some money." The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. He says, "Okay, what's your name?"
The frog says, "Kermit Jagger." The loan officer says, "Really? Any relation to Mick Jagger?"
The frog says, "Yeah, he's my dad." The loan officer says, "Okay, do you have any collateral?"
The frog hands the loan officer a pink ceramic elephant and says, "Will this do?" The loan officer says, "I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager." The frog says, "Tell him I said hi. He knows me."
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, "Excuse me, but there's this frog out here named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant. I'm not even sure what it is."
The bank manager looks up from reading email jokes and says, "It's a knick-knack Paddywack, give the frog a loan, his old man is a rolling stone."
The Frog Prince
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped onto her lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought, "I really don't think so."
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Little Sister
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been together for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one thing bothering me… it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally went bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was anywhere near me, and I'd always get more than a pleasant view. She would also regularly bend over when I was on the computer reading email jokes, and I'd always get an eye full in my peripheral vision.
One day, my "little sister" called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she just couldn't overcome. She told me she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her older sister. Well, I was in total disbelief and couldn't say a word in response. She said "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come on up."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her going up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight toward my car in the driveway.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing out there, and they were all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my prospective father in-law hugged me and said "We're very happy that you passed our little test… we couldn't ask for a better husband for our daughter. Welcome to our family."
And the moral of this story is…
Always keep your condoms in your car.
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Homeless Wino
A homeless wino passes out in the street next to a gay bar. That night, one of the bar's patrons leaves the bar and sees the homeless wino asleep on the street. He rolls the homeless wino over, has his way with him and slips a $10 bill in his pocket.
In the morning, the homeless wino wakes up, finds the $10 bill, and heads for the local liquor store. He goes inside and tells the clerk "Give me $10 worth of your cheapest wine." The clerk hands him a bottle and the homeless wino leaves to resume his position on the street.
Later that night, the same man as before leaves the gay bar and finds the homeless wino passed out on the street again. He rolls the homeless wino over, has his way with him again and slips another $10 bill in his pocket.
In the morning, the homeless wino wakes up, finds the $10 bill, and heads for the local liquor store. He goes inside and tells the clerk, "Give me $10 worth of your cheapest wine." The clerk hands him a bottle and the homeless wino leaves to resume his position on the street once more.
Later that night, the same man as before and three of his friends leave the gay bar. They see the homeless wino and decide to share. They take turns rolling the homeless wino over and having their way with him. Each of them leaves a $10 bill in the homeless wino's pocket. In the morning, the homeless wino wakes up and sees the four $10 bills and heads to the liquor store.
The clerk looks up from his laptop computer where he was reading some email jokes and says "Let me guess, $40 of our cheapest wine?" "Heck no," said the homeless wino, "give me some whiskey! That wine is tearing my ass up!"
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Spaghetti
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their secret meetings, she confided in him that she was three months pregnant. After his initial anger subsided, he told her his plan.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would give her a large amount of money if she would go to Italy and secretly have the child. If she remained in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned eighteen, or if female, until she was married.
She hesitated, but agreed, and asked "How will you know when the baby was born?" To keep it as discrete as possible, and because his wife shared his email account, he told her to simply send him some email jokes with the word "Spaghetti" as the title of one of them. Nothing had to be included in the body of the message.
As soon as he received the message, he would arrange for child support payments to begin. One day, about six months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey, you received a very strange joke in your email today," she said, "and I have no idea what the punch line is supposed to be, if there even is one."
"Oh, okay, let me take a look," he said. The wife backed away from the computer, and was looking over his shoulder. She was dumbfounded as she watched her husband read the email joke, turn white and faint, falling backwards in his chair.
The title of the email joke was "Spaghetti", as you'd expect, but the body of the message wasn't empty as he had instructed. It said "Spaghetti, Spaghetti and Spaghetti. Two plates have meat balls and one does not."
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